Episode 199: The Rock 'n' Roll Compass Pat and Co-Host April Richardson play tracks that have North, South, East or West in the song title for an episode we call... "The Rock 'n' Roll Compass." From May 7, 2015
With your hosts:
Pat welcomes us to the show. Kyle is eating a giant Rocky Road cookie and April wants some. She doesn't eat into the microphone because she's courteous and a professional, but Pat is neither of those things so he makes eating noises directly into our earholes. Kyle can't have Rocky Road ice cream because he's lactose intolerant. It's ice cream, it's worth it, says April. Not the best advice for someone whose intestines react to lactose like Indiana Jones reacts to snakes, but it's a free country. Pat tells us he once gave Kyle the Heimlich maneuver in a restaurant on Pat's wife Pilar's birthday. Jon Voight was in the restaurant too, but he didn't even look up from his dinner to notice poor Kyle in mortal danger.
Hitch up your pants and get ready to air whittle, because it's time for another edition of
Here's how it works: Pat sometimes writes reviews for Pop Culture Beast and he'll get CDs from bands that he's never heard of. So we're gonna hear some songs with completely fresh ears. It's April's first go-round with this segment and she's ready to rock.
This week's edition is actually about a previous entry in First Listen when Dweezil Zappa was on the show and took a nice dump all over the idea of the segment. Pat worried when Dweezil didn't tweet about the show. April soothes Pat's fears, reminding him that Dweezil is an old school dude and probably meant nothing by it.
The CD is Wrong by Anthony W. Rogers. Pat and April begin by criticizing the album art. This should bode well.
"Overboard" --- It's got beach sounds and Anthony's voice is very soft, even a bit too buried in the mix. "Doobie Brothers-ish," describes April. Pat goes nay, April goes yay, and Kyle does not care.
"Johnny / Janie" --- This one features Rogers' kids singing vocals. April immediately shakes her head with both thumbs pointed way down. And it's worse because it's his kids.
"Here Comes the Fire" --- April is digging it. It's the best of the lot.
"Blown Away" --- Not bad.
Maybe it's the album art that is turning Pat and April off, but Wrong just doesn't hit the mark.
Since the R.E.M. episode, Mike Mills saw April's old photograph of he and her and commented on it. "Maybe there will be a little something-something out of it," hints Pat, presuming the future April Mills. "No," denies April. Some dreams are best left in the heavens. Pat reminds us all to donate to the podcast. 20 dollars will get you a copy of Live from the Rock Solid Studios. Pat doesn't want any of those pesky cease-and-desist letters, so remember: It's a gift, not a product. In addition to live music performances, the CD has pre-show banter that Pat secretly recorded without the knowledge of the co-hosts. He's kidding... he says.
April's birthday was May 1st, so happy birthday April! Wait a minute... April was born in May. So close; so, so close. April isn't a fan of her name. There are no cute little magnets with her name on them. "But calendars," Kyle suggests. Apparently April Richardson is a common name. April is still opening for Chris Hardwick on the Funcomfortable Tour, which you can get tickets for at funcomfortabletour.com. Milwaukee on May 8th, Detroit on May 9th, and Washington D.C. on June 6th. We all know how funny April is, so go to those shows and show your love.
Back to the topic of April's age. Here's how she knew she was "old": She posted a photo of herself on her Instagram and one teenager commented to another teenager that when she gets older, she'll look just like April. And that wasn't meant as a compliment, either. Those damn youths. When she was younger, April thought everyone older than her was old.
Pat gives the obvious next step: April needs to return the favor and cyberbully those two girls for revenge. April shrugs it off. What does Kyle think of the guys he plays poker with who are twice his age? Kyle thinks that even though they are closer to his parents' age, they seem way younger to him. It's not age, it's how you act. Basically, Pat and his friends act like children. April always wanted to hang out with older people. Some musicians seem ageless. It's weird to watch a old video of an artist that you liked as a kid, and now you are older in real life than they are in the video.
Time for a change of topic: Going Clear, the HBO documentary about Scientology. Pat and April saw it twice. April says the book is more in-depth. Kyle already knew about a lot of the stuff in the documentary.
There is some talk about Scientologist celebrities like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Do they know about the horrible things going on? April thinks it's willful ignorance. Cruise is so shrouded that he probably doesn't even know the documentary exists. What do they have on these guys to keep them in the Church? For Travolta, it's most likely the gay thing. But it's 2015! If he's gay, it's not that big of a deal as it would have been decades ago. Pat and April talk about the Church's insane award shows and music videos.
At the beginning of the doc, Pat watched Cruise and David Miscavige saluting a picture of L. Ron Hubbard. Pat realized that that is no different from genuflecting in a Catholic church. He decided to cut Scientology some slack, which lasted for about, oh, 20 minutes. April is obsessed with how awful L. Ron Hubbard's mouth was. Scientology also has something called Sea Org and you get shunned and/or sued for leaving them. What a wacky bunch.
"My god has gingivitis."
- April, with the line of the episode.
Since this is a music podcast, it would probably be best if we heard some actual music. Today's topic: The Rock and Roll Compass! Songs with "North," "South," "East," and "West" in the titles. This was one of the toughest categories yet. Pat starts us off with a band called The Dream Academy. Off their self-titled album, it's a song called "Life in a Northern Town".
April has 11 songs, two of which are by R.E.M.. She's gonna bookend them, so we start with "How the West Was Won and Where It Got Us" from the album New Adventures in Hi-Fi. Pat is amazed that he can find R.E.M. albums in used CD stores for just $3.99. You can get a lot of stuff that cheap in used CD stores; you just have to find them. Pat gives an anti-shout out to a store that are less favorable with customer satisfaction.
Pat's next song is from the EP Up and Crumbling by Gin Blossoms. The song is called "Just South of Nowhere".
Pat gets creeped out when he goes to the music website Vintage Vinyl News every day and sees all the recent musicians who have died at 65. Does Pat only have 14 years left on this planet? Or is he gonna keep the milk past the expiration date and pray that his immune system can hold on for dear life? Pat and April agree that 80 is a nice minimum. His parents are still alive, as is April's grandma. The good news is that they made it past 27. Thank god that no one on the Rock Solid Podcast is under the age of 27.... oh.... sorry, Kyle. Well, at least you can enjoy April's next pick. Off the album Tellin' Stories, it's "North Country Boy" by The Charlatans.
What an appropriate choice for a song, because Pat has a song called "North Country Girl" by Pete Townshend off the album All the Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes.
Boys and girls, girls and boys. April completes the trifecta with "West End Girls" by Pet Shop Boys off the album Please.
Pat wonders if the Pet Shop Boys are gay. "Come on!" replies April. "Neil Tennant is pretty gay!" What about Andrew Ridgley from Wham? Is he gay? Pat wants to know these things, I guess. Inspector Kyle discovers that Mr. Ridgley is not gay; his partner was in Bananarama. Couples talk reminds Pat that Pilar does not like the term "good team" to describe a relationship. I prefer the term "horizontal tango partners" but that's just me. Pat ends this segment with one half of another couple, the Toxic Twins of Aerosmith. It's "East Coast, West Coast" by The Joe Perry Project off the album I've Got the Rock'n'Rolls Again. April was dreading it the moment Pat's lips made the "J" sound.
April's next song also features East and West in the same title. Off the album There's a Kind of Hush All Over the World, it's "East-West" by Herman's Hermits. Pat never got into Herman's Hermits. They seemed a bit too gimmicky for him, like a UK Monkees.
Up next for Pat is a song by Moby, and April lets slip that she once met Moby on a dating site. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? More on that soon. Pat plays "South Side" by Moby featuring Gwen Stefani off the album Play. Okay, April's Moby story: She met him on a respectable dating site. She also didn't know it was Moby because he didn't tell her it was him at first.
Moby's not just a musician, ladies. He's also an astronaut!
He had a normal dude profile and he didn't say he was Moby until they had gotten to know each other. He is friends with April's friend and they eventually met at a party. Moby was very nice, but April couldn't date him then. April got tired of online dating because guys kept negging her. Not nagging, negging. It's where guys say something negative about a girl to undermine their self-conscious and make them more vulnerable to your advances. Whatever happened to just saying hello? The ratio of awesome dudes to mean dudes is too damn one-sided. Hey fellas, be nice.
After some talk about April's cool watch (it has Julius the cartoon monkey on it), April plays her next pick. Off the album Don't Try This at Home, it's "North Sea Bubble" by Billy Bragg. Billy Bragg, yet another famous person that April Richardson knows.
The next band on Pat's list are all dead. Well, not all of them. Most of them are dead. It's the mostly dead Ramones with "All's Quiet on the Eastern Front" off the album Pleasant Dreams.
April's next song is by a band called 9353. Off the album To Whom It May Consume, it's "East of Sudan". Dave Grohl introduced April to the band. April's being a real butterfingers this episode; she's dropped so many names.
Pat goes for a relative unknown with his next pick. Off the album The Heat, Pat plays "Going Out West" by Jesse Malin. For some reason conversation turns to Steve Urkel and The Urkel Dance, as well the Simpson's song "Do the Bartman." He's a true statement: Michael Jackson wrote "Do the Bartman."
Kyle plays a clip of The Urkel Dance from an episode of Family Matters. Here it is for your viewing pleasure. It makes "Do the Bartman" sound like Beethoven's 9th. Maybe April's new podcast will be a complete run-through of Family Matters. Speaking of 90s sitcoms, Full House is coming back. We imagine they're only going to need one Olsen twin this time around.
April goes for another obscure pick. It's "Long Way South" by JJ72 off their self-titled album.
Grumpy Paul Simon is Pat's next pick. He plays "How Can You Live in the Northeast?" off the album Surprise. Simon says the word "Jew" in the song, which reminds Pat of a quick story. Pilar's assistant in China was a man named Mr. Chu. Pat told her that that's what he calls Mike Siegel. Get it? Chu... Jew.... Can't make this stuff up, folks. Pat's kidding, of course, he calls Mike the Snowman because he likes to cram that booger sugar up his nostrils like a fiend.
It's that time of the episode when April plays a song by Morrissey. This week she plays "Southpaw" from the album Southpaw Grammar. Pat and Jimmy Pardo saw Morrissey walking around the Billy Idol concert they went to. Not all of his shirt buttons were buttoned. Yup, sounds like Morrissey.
It's a bit surprising that Morrissey would be at a Billy Idol show of all places. They're both British, so that's most likely the connection. All British people know each other, after all. April saw him at a Sparks show where very few people bothered him. Pat once again brings up how he doesn't like people singing "Get laid, get fucked" in Mony Mony. I swear, it's like the 80th time this year that he's mentioned it. April has surprisingly never heard about this. Kyle plays a clip of it for her.
Raise a glass to former guest Geoff Tate because Pat is playing his favorite man on the planet, Tom Petty. He plays "Down South" off the solo album Highway Companion.
April follows this with a band that she knows personally from Australia called The Lucksmiths. Off the album First Frost, April plays "South-East Coastal Rendezvous". April keeps looking at her watch. Not because she has to be somewhere, she just thinks it looks so cool. It's inspired by Elvis' tough cuff from the '68 Comeback Special. Tough cuffs are also what they use to restrain prisoners during lethal injection. Well, look on the bright side: If April goes on a mass murder spree, she can probably keep the watch when they send her to the chair.
Pat's second-to-last song is "Looking East" by Jackson Browne off the album Looking East. Pat has been trying to get Jackson Browne on the show for a while, but he just can't seem to get him. April advises not to bring him on because of the rumors that he beat up Daryl Hannah. Pat is not 100% convinced that he actually did that. Like the neighbor of every serial killer, Pat thinks that "he seems so normal." Browne probably wouldn't answer a question about that topic if Pat asked him, and would probably end the interview because of it. Pat notes that in Rod Stewart's autobiography, he answers all the rumors about his life, including the infamous semen stomach rumor. It isn't true. April thinks Rod Stewart would be the kind of guy who back in the day would go gay for a night or two. Especially the 70s.
April's second-to-last song is by The Stone Roses. Off their album Second Coming, it's the song "Driving South". Pat is digging it. April thinks Pat would enjoy the second Stone Roses album because it's very riff heavy, as opposed to their first album which is considered a more hip and cool album. April knows what's hip and cool. In fact, Pilar was criticizing Pat's choice of shirt for the day because she knew he would be hanging out with the hip and cool April Richardson. For shame, Pat. For shame.
Pat's last pick is also the name of an awful Will Smith movie. Off the album Wild Wild West, it's The Escape Club with "Wild, Wild West".
Pat thinks there is a parody of that song about Adam West's Batman. He's right. Wally Wingert also does voice of the Riddler in the Batman: Arkham Asylum videogame series. Pat once met Julie Newmar at a Batman '66 film screening hosted by Wingert. She still looks good.
Plugs plugs plugs. Go to aprilrichardson.com for all your April Richardson needs. April once again vents her frustration at other people named April Richardson. There's an April Richardson who died a little while ago, causing people to call our April in concern. There's also a lawyer April Richardson and an artist April Richardson.
As for Pat, there's a Dr. Pat Francis who is a lady. Pat is number two of the Pat Francises on Google. Pat is gonna get his own doctorate... on rock and roll, baby! We return to talking about Scientology. April goes to the L. Ron Hubbard Center all the time. She once got audited with the E-Meter. When you go to the center, pictures of Hubbard are everywhere. He is portrayed as a massive hero and genius. April describes the E-Meter as "soup cans on wires." They told her to think of a bad memory and she thought of the jerking off hand motion. The needle barely moved.
The Scientologist representative told April that they'll get rid of bad thoughts and memories. But you need that stuff to be human. Pat is afraid he would grab the E-Meter handles and the meter would read "Too Good Looking." Oh Pat. You'll always be our lovable goofball, even if the Scientologists decide to hunt you down to the ends of the earth.
The rock and roll compass has lead us home, so it's time to end the show. April takes us out with her second R.E.M. song. Off their debut album Murmur, it's "West of the Fields".