Episode 180: Merry Christymas

Episode 180: Merry Christymas
It's time to grab a mug of hot chocolate, sit by the warmth of the fire and listen to some holiday music with Pat, Christy and Mike because today is "Christymas Day!"
From December 25, 2014

With your hosts:

Pat Francis

Christy Stratton

Mike Siegel (as Producer)

00:00:00 Pat and Christy welcome us to the show. Mike Siegel is back again as producer. This episode comes out on Christmas. Merry Christmas! Although Pat wants to call today Christymas. Get it? Because, you know… yeah. What's going on with Mike and Christy? Mike has an audition for a Three Musketeers commercial. He got notes from the casting director: try to wear something musketeer-ish. Maybe a plume hat, some breeches, and a rapier, perhaps. Did Christy ever get into acting, Pat asks? Very little, she says. The acting world reacted with a yawn. She auditioned for a few commercials, but she can't remember any of them. When Pat was in commercials, he wanted to do them with kids, so he told his commercial agent to get him kids commercials. One time Pat played a dad to a 12-year-old kid who was taller than him.
00:05:00 Mike feels weird doing kids commercials. Hey, when you're knee deep in the cocaine, the last thing you want is some impressionable kid actor walking in on you and going down the wrong path.
Christy's husband Gary is of Jewish persuasion. She's got the tree and the menorah in her house. Gary wanted to raise the kid Jewish, but Christy wanted Santa so they made a compromise. Mike calls Christy the worst Texan ever because she married a Jew and moved to California. Heyoooo! Christy only knew two Jewish people in Texas and had her first bagel in college. In college! Pat didn't have bagels at his house, he had cinnamon toast. Christy's son Johnny wanted to text Santa. He wants 3 cookies for Christmas. Hey, the kid knows what he wants. Mike ponders the strength of Santa's wifi connection. Christy says her wifi sucks, so Santa's has to be better.
Mike has some new drop-ins for us. Paul Stanley comes to the studio from time-to-time, but we want his presence around all the time. Paul asks us a question:

00:10:00 The whole thing is Paul bantering to the crowd before "Lick It Up" plays and oh god, those s's. But hey, Paul sure gets them going. Mike plays another clip, which is Paul bantering before "Hotter than Hell."
Today's topic: Christmas songs! A lot of them are covers, as there aren't that many Christmas originals. Pat, Mike, and Christy wonder who gets the royalties to "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Is it all to the children? Or maybe it's after Geldof and Ure get their taste. Mike starts us off. John Denver had his fair share of Christmas songs. This one is off the album Farewell Andromeda. The song is called "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)". It's a bit more serious in tone than most Christmas songs. Nothing says "the Christmas spirit" like alcoholism. John Denver actually went to Christy's high school. You know who else? Lee Harvey Oswald.
00:15:00 Christy loves Christmas music. She's got some favorites, some deeper cuts. Her first pick is the absolute best, according to Christy. Off their album A Christmas Record, it's The Waitresses with "Christmas Wrapping". Christy calls it a great single girl Christmas song that isn't "wah wah, I'm all alone on Christmas." Also R.I.P. Patty Donahue.
Pat's first pick is by Queen. Off the compilation album Greatest Hits III, it's a song called "Thank God It's Christmas". Pat feels that every day was Christmas for Freddie Mercury. Midgets running around backstage dressed as elves and such. R.I.P. Freddie Mercury, including those awful teeth. Mike thinks the mustache was just camouflage for the teeth.
Freddie, you don't need somebody to love. You need a dentist.
00:20:00 Christy's next pick is a song by The Monkees, except Davy Jones does not appear on it. Instead it's a guy named Chip Douglas filling in. The song is "Riu Chiu" off the album Missing Links Volume Two. It's an old traditional Spanish song.
Do Christy and Gary exchange presents? It's not really a big deal. It's more about the kids for Pat and his wife Pilar. Though Pat is really good at picking things out for Pilar. Gary cannot pick things out for Christy to save his life. Meanwhile single-guy Mike is just sitting at home, staring at the wall. A plate of half-eaten hot pockets is sitting in the sink. Faint traces of stripper glitter are coating his shirt collar. The joy is gone. It's been gone for a loooooong time.
Anyway, Pat's next pick is from his favorites, Pretenders. He plays "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" from the album A Very Special Christmas.
00:25:00 A lot of Jewish artists do Christmas albums. Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand, Barry Manilow. And Christy's next pick, Carole King. She plays "Christmas Paradise" off the album A Holiday Carole. Christy loves the Hallmark stores. It's where she got this album.
Pat's next pick was an MTV staple. It's Hall & Oates with their version of "Jingle Bell Rock". The single has the song on A-side and B-side, with Hall singing lead on one side and Oates singing lead on the other. Pat plays the Oates version. It's got a Brian Setzer sound to it. Christy loved the Stray Cats.
00:30:00 You want surf rock? Well Christy's got some surf rock. She plays "Sleigh Ride" by The Ventures off of The Ventures' Christmas Album. Quick story: Christy's dad loved The Ventures. One year for Christmas Christy bought her dad a Dick Dale album, thinking she would score big points. When he got the gift, Christy's dad made it clear in no uncertain terms that he liked The Ventures, but he did not like Dick Dale. Geez, Christy's dad, way to rain on her parade. And way to be overly specific with your surf rock.
Pat goes old school with some Nat King Cole. Off the album The Christmas Song, it's "I Saw Three Ships".
00:35:00 What was in those ships, Pat asks. Slaves? Donnie Iris albums? Who knows. Pat also wonders where the Nat King Cole and Roy Orbison biopics are? You kinda need a major crash and burn event for a biopic.
When Christy was a college DJ, she would plays oldies Christmas. She fell in her love with her next pick, Stevie Wonder and his version of "Ave Maria" off the album Someday at Christmas. BUT IT'S PASSWORD PROTECTED!!!! Oh, the mayhem. The song is on Christy's phone, so we have to go through the rigamarole to listen to it. Christy ramps up the song all over again. She isn't religious, but this song is powerful that it blasts the light of the lord into her heathen soul. The song plays. It's weird to hear Stevie Wonder singing in another language.
Pat's next pick is Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and their version of "Little Drummer Boy", off the album I Love Rock 'n' Roll.
00:40:00 It's a strange cover. The Blackhearts are going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year. Christy thinks that Joan Jett is already in (Editor's note: she is wrong.) Christy complains that The Cars and Cheap Trick are not in. Amen. "Little Drummer Boy" was only on December pressings of the album.
Christy has some stroke around here, as her next pick is Billy Squier. She plays the single "Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You".
00:45:00 Pat thinks the song was recorded live. Christy answers that with a resounding "No." The song was big in the MTV heyday. These kids these days, they don't know what MTV really was. All they care about are their slam dances and their Sketchers. Christy brings up "haul videos" where girls make videos about their latest shopping haul. Pat's daughters are economically responsible. Pat got his daughter a cat. Pat loves the cat. He also loves his next pick, Melissa Etheridge. Off her album A New Thought for Christmas, it's the song "Christmas in America". Man, what a buzzkill. Cheer up, it's Christmas.
00:50:00 No Elton John, no Paul McCartney. Instead, Christy went with Michael McDonald. Soft-eyed, white-haired, husky-bodied Michael McDonald. Wait a minute… the man is Santa! Christy says that if she ever made an animated show about a basset hound, she would want Michael McDonald to be the voice. Alright. Off the album This Christmas, she plays "Children Go Where I Send Thee".
Avert your gaze, or you'll be lost in the ocean of his eyes forever.
Pat pours one out for the Rat Pack with his next pick, Dean Martin. He plays "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" off the album A Winter Romance. With Dean around, Rudolph isn't the only one with a red nose. Good old Dean-o was usually eight sheets to the wind. Speaking of old things, Pat saw the Jersey Boys movie. It sucks.
00:55:00 There's bad old age makeup, a Bollywood dance number, guys talking to the camera poorly. Joe Pesci is portrayed in the movie too because he helped bring the Four Seasons together. Mike, in a moment of sheer brilliance, plays some Joe Pesci for us. The song is "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas" off the album Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You. Yeah it sucks, but are you gonna tell that to Joe Pesci? I don't think so. Pat says that the Joe Pesci character says lines from Joe Pesci movies like Goodfellas and Lethal Weapon. Ugh.
Christy saves us with a little Buck Owens. Off the album Christmas with Buck Owens, it's a song called "Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy".
A Christmas song by AC/DC? Who would thunk it? Pat plays the song "Mistress for Christmas" off the album The Razors Edge. Christy's mind is BLOWN.
01:00:00 Christy's next song is PASSWORD PROTECTED!!! What fresh hell is this? Christy is flustered. She plays "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" by Twisted Sister off their album A Twisted Christmas. Pat hates Twisted Sister. Christy gasps because she loved that shit.
Speaking of shit, Pat is one to talk because he's playing his girl next, Taylor Swift. He plays "Christmases When You Were Mine" off the album Sounds of the Season: The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection. Pat just wants to curl up with his cat and listen to Taylor Swift. What an ass.
01:05:00 Christy goes off on Taylor Swift because she kisses and tells. We should be more outraged at her whining over her boyfriends. Pat tries to excuse Swift, saying she has so little life experience that she doesn't know what else to write about. But Christy isn't having any of that. "Get over yourself," she says. If Taylor is listening to this episode, we can expect a Christy Stratton diss track sometime soon. Christy sings a few fictional bars. Can Christy sing? No. Can Mike sing? No. Can Pat sing? I think we all know the answer to that one.
Another PASSWORD PROTECTED song. Quick, we need to fill the time. Mike Siegel comes to the rescue:

Christy plays her next pick. Off his self-titled album, it's Donny Hathaway with "This Christmas". Donny Hathaway, dead at 33. He was a paranoid schizophrenic.
01:10:00 Donny Hathaway also sang the theme song to Maude. Pat was thinking about Good Times recently. It was a dark show, and not because they were black. You never really see poor people on TV anymore. Penny got the iron in the back. They killed off John Amos. It was raw TV. And they weren't good looking people, either. Maude was only 40, but she looked old as shit. Pat, Mike, and Christy engage in some Maude fashion talk, which is about as fascinating as it sounds.
Back to the music, Pat plays "Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season" by Andy Williams off the album The Andy Williams Christmas Album.
01:15:00 PASSWORD PRO-FUCKING-TECTED, so there is some brief small talk about iPhones, selfies, and Hands Across America. Christy gets flustered (small talking with Pat and Mike can do that to you), so we hear some more Christmas music. Off the album I Wanna Be Santa Claus, it's Ringo Starr with "Winter Wonderland". That Ringo. He's gonna bury us all, including Paul McCartney. Funny, because he was a sickly kid and he's the oldest Beatle. But he'll outlast them all. That will be his ultimate "Fuck you" to the haters.
"Hmmmmm, I wonder which poison I should put in Paul's salad."
Pat's next pick is by The Kinks. It's "Father Christmas" off the compilation album Come Dancing with the Kinks.
01:20:00 Mike hasn't finished the Ray Davies book, but he did finish Keith Richards' book. Keith remembers everything. Jagger just can't, so he hasn't written a book. Rod Stewart's book is very entertaining because Rod has a sense of humor about himself. Pete Townshend, on the other hand, does not. Christy is reading the MTV book, but it's dense. Pat can't read three pages in bed before falling asleep, the old man.
Since this episode taped before Thanksgiving, the trio give their plans. Christy is going to her family. Mike is going to his family in Central Florida. It's shit. Sorry Central Floridians, but you are bath salts country.
01:25:00 Christy's next pick is from Mariah Carey's second Christmas album Merry Christmas II You. The song is called "Oh Santa!".
Pat doesn't like it when artists change one of their songs to make it a Christmas song. His next pick does just that. Off of the album A Very Special Christmas: 25 Years Bringing Joy to the World, it's Cheap Trick with their song "I Want You for Christmas". Christy is rejecting it outright. None of that, please.
Christy plays Elvis Presley, because you gotta play Elvis Presley. The song is "Santa Claus Is Back in Town" off of Elvis' Christmas Album.
01:30:00 This has been a great Christmas. The Pat-Mike-Christy trio only happens on weekdays because Kyle is working. I for one enjoy this combination. Enoguh ass kissing, back to music. Pat's last pick is "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by U2, off of A Very Special Christmas.
Christy's last pick is Harry Connick, Jr.. Yes he's dreamy, says Christy, but he's got pipes too. She plays "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" off the album When My Heart Finds Christmas. Another show is just about done. Maybe Christy can talk to Michael McDonald in the future for her hypothetical basset hound show. We get plugs up the wazoo.
01:35:00 Mike takes us out with some yuletide cheer. Well, sort of. It's the band Fear and their song "Fuck Christmas".
Time Song Album Artist Who
00:10:00 Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) Farewell Andromeda John Denver Mike
00:15:00 Christmas Wrapping A Christmas Record The Waitresses Christy
00:15:00 Thank God It's Christmas Greatest Hits III Queen Pat
00:20:00 Riu Chiu Missing Links Volume Two The Monkees Christy
00:20:00 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas A Very Special Christmas Pretenders Pat
00:25:00 Christmas Paradise A Holiday Carole Carole King Christy
00:25:00 Jingle Bell Rock Single Hall & Oates Pat
00:30:00 Sleigh Ride The Ventures' Christmas Album The Ventures Christy
00:30:00 I Saw Three Ships The Christmas Song Nat King Cole Pat
00:35:00 Ave Maria Someday at Christmas Stevie Wonder Christy
00:35:00 Little Drummer Boy I Love Rock 'n' Roll Joan Jett & the Blackhearts Pat
00:40:00 Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You Single Billy Squier Christy
00:45:00 Christmas in America A New Thought for Christmas Melissa Etheridge Pat
00:50:00 Children Go Where I Send Thee This Christmas Michael McDonald Christy
00:50:00 Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer A Winter Romance Dean Martin Pat
00:55:00 If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You Joe Pesci Mike
00:55:00 Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy Christmas with Buck Owens Buck Owens Christy
00:55:00 Mistress for Christmas The Razors Edge AC/DC Pat
01:00:00 Oh Come All Ye Faithful A Twisted Christmas Twisted Sister Christy
01:00:00 Christmases When You Were Mine Sounds of the Season: The Taylor Swift Holiday Collection Taylor Swift Pat
01:05:00 This Christmas Donny Hathaway Donny Hathaway Christy
01:10:00 Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season The Andy Williams Christmas Album Andy Williams Pat
01:15:00 Winter Wonderland I Wanna Be Santa Claus Ringo Starr Christy
01:15:00 Father Christmas Come Dancing with The Kinks The Kinks Pat
01:25:00 Oh Santa! Merry Christmas II You Mariah Carey Christy
01:25:00 I Want You for Christmas A Very Special Christmas: 25 Years Bringing Joy to the World Cheap Trick Pat
01:25:00 Santa Claus Is Back in Town Elvis' Christmas Album Elvis Presley Christy
01:30:00 Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) A Very Special Christmas U2 Pat
01:30:00 Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! When My Heart Finds Christmas Harry Connick, Jr. Christy
01:35:00 Fuck Christmas Single Fear Mike