Episode 168: Worst of the Best

Episode 168: Worst of the Best
Every band or artist you love has a few bad songs and this week Pat and Mike are gonna play some of those stinkers. Welcome to... Worst of the Best!
From October 2, 2014

With your hosts:

Pat Francis

Mike Siegel

00:00:00 Pat welcomes us to the show. He reminds us that the Rock Solid theme song is "Song Away" by Hockey. Pat is giving away the Hockey CD to the first person who emails him "I want the Hockey CD." Where is Hockey? They're missing in action, it seems. Inspector Kyle does some research. The album came out in 2009. So where are those puck-wielding bastards?
Kyle read a funny Beatles thing. Pete Best, winner of the "How the Hell Has This Guy Not Blown His Brains Out" Award, released an album called "Best of The Beatles." The band sued him, but he won on a technicality. The Beatles did give him a piece of their Anthology Box Set. "Gee, thanks," said Pete, as he eyed his nearby shotgun. Rumor has it that he was fired because he was too good looking. That's why they got Ringo. Nice guy, but he looks like Yasser Arafat.
Hey, you know who isn't ugly? That handsome son-of-a-bitch Mike Siegel. What's he up to? Mike says he'll be crossing one off his concert bucket list when he sees Tom Petty in a few days. Steve Winwood is opening. Pat says Winwood is more than just the "Higher Love" guy. He was in the Spencer Davis Group, Traffic, Blind Faith. He was part of the 80s Shit Surge. Bands in the 70s got big commercial success in the 80s, but did so with shitty songs. And we'll be seeing a lot of those 80s Shit Surges in today's topic.
00:05:00 But first, it's time for Pat's New Music Roundup! First up is Taylor Swift with the song "Shake It Off" from her new album 1989. Mike does not like it. "When did she turn into Gwen Stefani?" he asks.
There is also new music from everybody's favorite Spaceman, Ace Frehley! He has a new album called Space Invader. Pat asks Ace if it's okay if we play his new music...

Pat plays "I Wanna Hold You". How many units can the Aceman sell? Probably a good chunk of change. Pat plays the ending of another song, "Starship", where Ace says the line "Has anybody seen George Jetson?" Classic Ace.
00:10:00 Okay, let's get started. Today's topic: Worst of the Best! Bad songs by your favorite artists. Mike kicks us off with a steaming pile of 80s shit. It's "We Built This City" by Starship, off the album Knee Deep in the Hoopla. Good God, it is awful.
Pat's first pick is by Guns N' Roses. Off the album Use Your Illusion II, it's a song called "My World". Yeah, Axl Rose trying his hand in Rap Rock. You can almost hear Slash quitting in the background. Kyle says it sounds like one of those anti-drug raps. I know what it sounds like: garbage.
The Bad Boys from Boston have a lot of great songs. But Mike doesn't think so with his next pick. It's "Rag Doll" by Aerosmith from the album Permanent Vacation. Mike busts his knuckles against 80s Aerosmith. Does not like them one bit.
00:15:00 Who wrote "We Built This City?" Inspector Kyle is on the case. It's Martin Page, Dennis Lambert, Peter Wolf, and… Bernie Taupin! Wait, what?
Sometimes bands do live albums and write a couple bonus studio songs to go along with the show. Well, Styx did such a thing with their live album Caught in the Act. Pat plays "Music Time". The response from Kyle says it all: "That makes me hate music." A lot of Dennis DeYoung is that overly theatrical bullshit. There's a time and a place for that, Dennis. The time is never and the place is nowhere.
Mike's got another 80s Shit Surge for us. Off the album Still Cruisin', it's "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys. Brian Wilson actually regrets not being part of that song. Then again, Brian Wilson is crazy, so maybe he doesn't realize how lucky he is to not be part of "Kokomo."
Up next for Pat is Genesis. They have a lot of good stuff, so what could he play? Oh, well strap in kids. Pat plays "Illegal Alien" off their self-titled album.
00:20:00 Hooray for pseudo-racism! Phil Collins singing in a quasi-Mexican accent about sneaking across the border and drinking a bottle of tequila. The video makes it worse because the band is wearing sombreros and playing Mariachi music. Viva Mexico!
Mike accuses Rush of putting out a lot of shit. Hey now, Siegel. You watch yourself, because you are on sacred ground. Mike plays "I Think I'm Going Bald" off of Caress of Steel. Oh, well then, never mind Mr. Siegel. That is… that is not good. In the Rush documentary, they talked about playing Caress of Steel for Paul Stanley and he "didn't get it." No shit. Paul doesn't have time contemplating progressive rock lyrics. He probably thought "Caress of Steel" was about his dick. The only reason Rush weren't dropped from their label was because 2112 sold a lot of copies. And even then it took them a few albums to get a major hit with "The Spirit of Radio."
Pat says that The Police have 5 perfect albums… except for one song. Off of Synchronicity, Pat plays "Mother". Yuck-a-roo.
00:25:00 The Police broke up at their peak. And then they got back together. And then they broke up again. And then Sting picked up a lute. Do you see a problem here? And let's not forget Sting's Christmas album, which makes me want to stab my ears with #2 pencils.
Mike sends his apologies to April Richardson, because he has some shit from Elvis Presley. Elvis' 60s run with the films was mired in garbage juice, including a song from the soundtrack to Easy Come, Easy Go. In one scene, Elvis is doing yoga and gets tied up in a knot. So he sings the song "Yoga Is As Yoga Does". Bad Bad BAAAAAAAAAAAD!! Bad with a capital fucking BAD. "Viva Las Vegas" and "Jailhouse Rock" that ain't.
00:30:00 Pat's next pick is by the biggest duo ever, Hall & Oates. Before they were pop megastars, they put out their first album in the 70s called Whole Oats. Pat plays a song called "Lazyman". Liking that song? I can't go for that. No can do.
The Beatles aren't free from sucky songs, as Mike points out in his next pick. It's "Revolution 9" off their self-titled album (The White Album). Nothing better than hearing music geniuses reduced to noisy bullshit. Pat does a Yoko Ono impression that is equal parts hilarious, racist, and true. That woman sucks.
Pat's next pick is "Wart Hog" by The Ramones, off of Too Tough to Die. Dee Dee sings lead vocals. Well, sings might be too strong a word. More like yells incoherently into the microphone. Yoko returns with her renditions of Ramones songs like "Beat on the Blat." She still sucks.
00:35:00 The puke train continues with Mike's next pick. It's Steve Miller Band with "Abracadabra" off the album Abracadabra. It was a bit hit, but it's GOD FUCKING AWFUL!
Coming up next for Pat is a song by The Rolling Stones from their album Dirty Work. It's called "Back to Zero". Not good. It sounds like The Stones are trying way too hard to be hip.
Mike's next pick is Stevie Wonder and his song "Don't Drive Drunk" from the soundtrack to The Woman in Red. I could make the cliched joke about a blind man telling people how to drive. But I'm a respectable gentleman and I will not have such crass comments in my recap. That said, the song is a hot mess of yuck.
Where the hell is Stevie, Pat wonders. He pretty much just shows up at tribute shows and such. Speaking of blindness, there's a restaurant near Kyle's apartment that has that "eat in the dark" theme. Pat wants to go there, pull his pants down, and stick his dick in people's food. Pat Francis, ladies and gentlemen.
Who said crappy songs have to only have one singer? Pat Francis has got a duet that will put everyone's socks back on. It's Meat Loaf feat. Cher with "Dead Ringer for Love", off the album Dead Ringer. Meat Loaf is his usual self, but Cher is no better. Cher was bashing Miley Cyrus for her antics. Easy there, Cher, weren't you straddling a cannon just a few years ago?
"Cher's face is younger than Miley Cyrus."
- Pat, with the first line of the episode.
00:45:00 Mike has a twofer for us. First it's Glenn Frey with "The Heat Is On" from his compilation album Solo Collection. Then it's Bob Seger with "Shakedown" off of Greatest Hits 2. Both songs are in the Beverly Hills Cop movie series. The Eagles don't play Glenn Frey's solo songs in concert, so that should tell you something about the quality of his catalogue.
We heard from Ace Frehley before, now let's hear from Kiss. It's "Hooligan" off of Love Gun. Peter Criss sings lead vocals and it's just awful. Here's an actual line: "I'm a hooligan, I won't go to school again." NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Even Ace agrees that that song sucks. And he's still looking for George Jetson.
00:50:00 Another soundtrack for the playlist. Mike plays "Batdance" by Prince from the Batman Soundtrack. That song is a disgrace to the Dark Knight. Mike asks Pat and Kyle their thoughts about the Keaton movies. They like Keaton, but the films don't hold up.
00:55:00 It's Pat's favorite band Cheap Trick with their worst album The Doctor. What the hell happened? It was the late 80s, says Mike. It's mystical powers turned Cheap Trick into a dumpster factory. Pat plays "Man-U-Lip-U-Lator". I surrender… because that song is awful. A lot of bands got into an MTV panic because that was how you sold more albums.
Mike's next pick is Rod Stewart. He is convinced that most of Rod's output is bad. The song is "Love Touch" from the album Every Beat of My Heart. Pat admits that he likes it. The song was in the Robert Redford movie Legal Eagles, which doesn't help matters.
01:00:00 Pat loves Elton John's 1980s albums. But he does not like Ice on Fire. He plays a song called "Candy by the Pound". Jeez, Bernie Taupin. First Starship, then Elton John. Step up your game! Mike has another Elton John song from The Thom Bell Sessions. It's called "Mama Can't Buy You Love".
Bruce Springsteen is Pat's next pick and he's here for a short appearance. He's getting tired of Patti and her demands. He suggests she forms a new band called The C-Street Band. Oh Bruce, you're a card. From Wrecking Ball, Pat plays "Easy Money". The lyrics sound like a children's song. How many minutes did it take him to write that song?

01:05:00 Mike ain't afraid to get down with his bad self. Unfortunately, he hip hops it up with Blondie and their song "Rapture", off the album Autoamerican. Debbie Harry, that isn't rapping, that's rambling. Nowadays Debbie is bringing something special to Blondie concerts: her cameltoe.
Okay, so John Lennon fucked up with Revolution 9. But what about Paul McCartney? He's had his fair share of clunkers. Mike plays "Goodnight Tonight" by Wings off the compilation album Wingspan: Hits and History. Disco and McCartney do not mix.
Pat's last pick is by David Bowie. The song is "We Prick You" off of Outside. You can't do every genre, Bowie.
01:10:00 Mike's last pick is a real judgment call. He plays "We Will Rock You" by Queen, off of News of the World. Mike HATES that song. He thinks it's weak. Pat plays the fast live version of "We Will Rock You" that Queen used to open their concerts. Mike admits that he does like that version.
"'We're the rocking champions.' Shut up! No you're not."
- Mike, with the other line of the episode.
01:15:00 We get plugs up the wazoo, then close up shop. This show was enjoyable. And by enjoyable, I mean REALLY ENJOYABLE. Laughing about shitty songs is a great way to pass the time. Kyle sends us home with "Gunfight" by Sick Puppies, off the album Connect.
Time Song Album Artist Who
00:05:00 Shake It Off 1989 Taylor Swift Pat (New Music Roundup)
00:05:00 I Wanna Hold You Space Invader Ace Frehley Pat (New Music Roundup)
00:05:00 Starship Space Invader Ace Frehley Pat (New Music Roundup)
00:10:00 We Built This City Knee Deep in the Hoopla Starship Mike
00:10:00 My World Use Your Illusion II Guns N' Roses Pat
00:10:00 Rag Doll Permanent Vacation Aerosmith Mike
00:15:00 Music Time Caught in the Act Styx Pat
00:15:00 Kokomo Still Crusin' The Beach Boys Mike
00:15:00 Illegal Alien Genesis Genesis Pat
00:20:00 I Think I'm Going Bald Caress of Steel Rush Mike
00:20:00 Mother Synchronicity The Police Pat
00:25:00 Yoga Is As Yoga Does Easy Come, Easy Go Elvis Presley Mike
00:30:00 Lazyman Whole Oats Hall & Oates Pat
00:30:00 Revolution 9 The Beatles The Beatles Mike
00:30:00 Wart Hog Too Tough to Die The Ramones Pat
00:35:00 Abracadabra Abracadabra Steve Miller Band Mike
00:35:00 Back to Zero Dirty Work The Rolling Stones Pat
00:35:00 Don't Drive Drunk The Woman in Red Soundtrack Stevie Wonder Mike
00:40:00 Dead Ringer for Love Dead Ringer Meat Loaf Pat
00:45:00 The Heat Is On Solo Collection Glenn Frey Mike
00:45:00 Shakedown Greatest Hits 2 Bob Seger Mike
00:45:00 Hooligan Love Gun Kiss Pat
00:50:00 Batdance Batman Prince Mike
00:55:00 Man-U-Lip-U-Lator The Doctor Cheap Trick Pat
00:55:00 Love Touch Every Beat of My Heart Rod Stewart Mike
01:00:00 Candy by the Pound Ice on Fire Elton John Pat
01:00:00 Mama Can't Buy You Love The Thom Bell Sessions Elton John Mike
01:00:00 Easy Money Wrecking Ball Bruce Springsteen Pat
01:05:00 Rapture Autoamerican Blondie Mike
01:05:00 Goodnight Tonight Wingspan: Hits and History Wings Mike
01:05:00 We Prick You Outside David Bowie Pat
01:10:00 We Will Rock You News of the World Queen Mike
01:15:00 Gunfight Connect Sick Puppies Kyle