Episode 150: Set Sail

Episode 150: Set Sail
Pat and Murray pull up the anchor and take the Rock Solid crew for a 1 hour and 40 minute boat tour to explore songs about ships and sailing. Kyle comes along as first mate.
From May 22, 2014

With your hosts:

Pat Francis

Murray Valeriano

00:00:00 Pat welcomes us to the show. Today's co-hosts are "Classic" Pat Francis and "Newer" Murray Valeriano. The beers are open and at the ready. Oh boy. What's Murray been up to? He's been potty training his son Frank, but he doesn't think the audience wants to hear that. Speaking of potty training, Murray tells a story of how a girl in his church brought in "Freeze Frame" by The J. Geils Band, which freaked out the older parishioners because that album has a song called "Piss on the Wall." What about "Too Drunk to Fuck" by The Dead Kennedys? Will Jesus shun me if I listen to that?
Kyle's brother Casey is in studio as well. He's not on microphone, however. Two Dodsons are more than enough. Casey has a strange haircut, according to Murray. It looks like Ed Grimley's haircut, as well as the haircut of the guy from ABC with the glasses. Pat and Murray can't remember his name, so they make Kyle try to look him up. We eventually fail on learning his name.
00:05:00 Murray came into some money recently, and it's not just because Pat owed him 12 dollars (he borrowed it for poker night.) Mike Siegel has a friend whose horse, Medal Count, was in the Kentucky Derby, so Murray placed some bets. Pat bet 50 dollars on Medal Count, which surprises Murray. Murray placed bets on the winning horse, as well as on Medal Count. All in all, Murray came out 6 dollars ahead. Woah, Murray, 6 whole bucks?! Get out the way, peasants, Moneybags Valeriano is making his way through the streets. Dollar bills are practically overflowing out of his pockets.
"Last one to the finish line gets a broken leg!"
For today's topic, Murray's got an intro song for us. It's the theme from The Love Boat. All your favorite guest stars are hopping aboard: Paula Poundstone, Richard Grieco, Jan-Michael Vincent, the bald guy from Murder One.
00:10:00 Yes, today's topic is about boats, sailing, and all things nautical. This episode came about because Murray made a mix CD of sailing songs a while back. A few listeners even got a copy of it, like Jackie Kashian and Gary "Voldemort" Lucy. How did this mix CD come about, you ask? Murray was in Canada while his wife Mary was working on a movie as a costume designer. Now, Murray isn't sure if he can say the name of the movie because of legal reasons. We here at the Rock Solid Guide understand and respect Murray's concerns, so we will not be printing the name of the film ("Interstellar"), the director of the film (Christopher Nolan), or the star of the film (Matthew McConaughey). Remember folks, you're not liable if it's in parentheses.
Anyway, Murray was in Canada for a few weeks and was bored out his skull the entire time. He had no one to hang out with except his infant son. Murray's friend made him a mix CD, so Murray made one for him as well, which exclusively had songs about sailing. Murray offered Pat a copy, but Pat didn't respond. Way to break Murray's heart, Pat.
00:15:00 Murray mailed the CDs to everybody. Pat suspects he did so just so Murray could go to the post office and have someone to talk to. Also, on the way back to the airport, Murray was quite the Gabby Gregory and talked the driver's ear off.
We were supposed to record with someone else today, but they had to cancel, so boat songs it is! For Murray's first pick, he admits that he doesn't know why he likes this song, considering that he doesn't like this band, nor does he like that they are on a record label called Red Bull Records. As in, the energy drink. Murray plays "Sail" by Awolnation, off the album Megalithic Symphony.

Since we're all so curious, here are some other artists on Red Bull Records:
  • Beartooth
  • Black Gold
  • Blitz Kids
  • Five Knives
  • Heaven's Basement
  • Innerpartysystem
  • iTCH
  • New Beat Fund
  • Twin Atlantic
00:20:00 Pat wants to hear what Blitz Kids sounds like, so he plays a snippet of their song "Run for Cover." It's a big steaming pile of hot garbage. Murray hates them simply based on their picture.
Pat's first pick is by Styx. Off their album The Grand Illusion, it's "Come Sail Away". Murray throws a flag on the play. The song doesn't count because it's about a spaceship, and not a boat. This one is tough to call, so let's go to the judges. Judges?………………………… no one gives a shit! What an outcome!
Murray finds that boat songs are usually sad and depressing. He also used to think that Dennis de Young was Chris de Burgh. Speaking of Mr. de Burgh, Murray plays "Don't Pay the Ferryman", from the album The Getaway.
00:25:00 Jimmy Pardo is reportedly a massive Chris de Burgh fan. When Murray was living in New York, he would take girls out on dates on the Staten Island ferry because it was only 50 cents. This was well before the days of Moneybags Valeriano, who could ride the ferry all day long if he pleased with his mighty 6 dollars.
Pat's next pick takes us down under to New Zealand. It's Split Enz, with their song "Six Months in a Leaky Boat", off the album Time and Tide. What languages do they speak in New Zealand? English and Maori. We then get some random talk about teeth and Pat does a Yogi Bear impression. I shit you not.
00:30:00 Swiss music is usually either extreme death metal or cheesy schmaltz. Murray's next pick is an example of the latter. It's "The Captain of Her Heart" by Double, off the album Blue.
Pat's next song is "Paper Ship" by Billy Falcon, off his album Letters from a Paper Ship. Murray hates it. Billy has written 25 songs for Bon Jovi over the last 7 albums. "With These Two Hands" gets brought up again. It still sucks, in case you were wondering.
00:30:00 Hold on tight, Pat, 'cause you'll probably not like Murray's next pick, Tom Waits. It's "Shiver Me Timbers", from the album The Heart of Saturday Night. Pat makes Popeye noises and talks throughout the song. He actually doesn't hate it as much as he thought he would. Casey is yawning. Wait a minute, are you telling me that two middle aged schmucks playing sailing songs doesn't interest a guy in his 20s? What's this world coming to?!
We venture to 1967 for Pat's next pick, which is "The Boat That I Row" by Neil Diamond from his second album Just for You. On a side note, Pat doesn't think Mad Men is that good anymore. Murray thinks it's because they took too much time off, so all these new great shows like Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead took center stage. Pat also doesn't give a flying fuck about Betty. But Pat, she's such a lovable, compelling character!
"I'm tired of everyone telling me to shut up. I'm not stupid. I speak Italian." - Betty Francis
Pat normally doesn't swear around his kids. Crap is the most explicit word he'll use. But this is a podcast, baby. This is where we men go to let loose while the wives make sandwiches and the kids watch Howdy Doody.
Murray's next pick is by a guy who doesn't take any guff. It's Billy Joel and his song "The Downeaster 'Alexa'", from the album Storm Front. A bunch of Billy Joel facts get spewed out. The song is named after Billy's daughter Alexa, whose middle name Ray comes from Ray Charles, who did a duet with Billy Joel on the song "Grand Piano" on the album The Bridge. Storm Front was co-produced by Mick Jones from Foreigner. Murray doesn't like Foreigner, thank you very much.
Pat's played his next artist once or twice before. It's the guitarist from Boston, Barry Goudreau. Off his self-titled solo album, it's "Sail Away". Pat calls this solo album Boston's true third album. Murray's not having any of it. Tom Scholz had the record label bury this album because it sounds just like a Boston album. Pat plays some snippets as evidence.

The following part of the recap consists of ten minutes of rambling. At no point during these ten minutes do Pat or Murray play any music or engage in any deep, meaningful dialogue. Alcohol is possibly playing a part in their babbling, but that is not a guarantee. Most likely, Pat and Murray are suffering from the effects of a disease known as Blathering Idiot Syndrome. We here at the Rock Solid Guide do not judge the two of them for their inane conversation. Pat and Murray are fine, upstanding citizens, and should not be looked down upon merely because they drone on and on about absolutely nothing for ten minutes. Please keep them in your hearts, as there is no known cure. For everyone's benefit, I have written the next ten minutes in list format, although the chances of making Pat and Murray's palaver less annoying is very slim. Anyone who has a limited amount of patience should consult a doctor before continuing.
Reader discretion is advised.
  • Pat has very low self esteem about his list.
  • Pat is really starting to feel the beers.
  • Pat and Murray were in the same CD club together. A lot of the other members were assholes.
  • "Fuck your self-made artwork," says Pat.
  • Murray's CD was called "Fear of Commitment." It had songs with women's names in the titles.
  • Pat's CD was called "Twofer Tuesday." He had two songs by each artist.
  • If Bruce Springsteen was murdered, who would be the killer? Patti, the wife? Little Steven, the Italian mobster?
  • Pat met Rick Nielsen over twenty years ago and took a photo with him. He wears the same outfits now as he did back then.
  • Kyle asks, "Is Donald Duck a sailor?" He does wear a sailor uniform.
  • Murray is not a Parrothead. Pat hates Parrotheads. They're a bunch of people trying to convince themselves that they're having a good time. Fuck your flip flops, your margaritas, and your Hawaiian shirts.
  • Pat likes to Twitter stalk people when he's at events. At an LA Kings game, Pat followed a guy who was tweeting in front of him. He tweeted "Kings suck".
  • The guy's Twitter is @krug_dog. Pat and Murray want the listeners to start following him on Monday the 26th.
  • Mike Schmidt used to weigh a lot.
00:55:00 Is everybody okay? Are we all still reading? More importantly, are we all still alive? Because that was ten minutes of utter nonsense. We get back to the music (You know, BECAUSE IT'S A MUSIC PODCAST!) with Murray's next pick. It's "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" by Looking Glass, off their self-titled album.
Pat's next pick is by Hues Corporation and it's off their album Freedom for the Stallion. The song is "Rock the Boat".
01:00:00 Murray's next pick is "Sail Away" by Randy Newman, from the album Sail Away. The song is about a White slave owner trying to convince a bunch of Africans to sail to America. Obviously, he wants them to work in his chocolate factory.
Murray continues his holiday recording streak because they are recording on May 4th, which is Star Wars Day. Speaking of aliens, Pat's next pick is by David Bowie. Off the album Lodger, Pat plays "Red Sails".
01:05:00 Casey is rocking an old school Rock Solid t-shirt. You can get new t-shirts at this website. Pat also plugs the Rock Solid Guide and apologizes to me for having to write this. You have no idea, Pat. You have no idea.
"It's funnier than the show."
- Murray, talking about my blog posts. Line of the episode, Mr. Valeriano.
When Murray was in Canada, he didn't hear a lot of Rush or Triumph. He did hear a lot of April Wine and Tom Cochran, though. He also heard a ton of his next pick, The Tragically Hip. From their album Day for Night, it's "Nautical Disaster".
01:10:00 Pat seques seamlessly into his next pick. From his album One Voice, it's Barry Manilow with "Ships". Wait, do you hear that? It sounds like… the footsteps of a pop superstar's biggest fan. Why, yes it is! Ladies and gentlemen, making his debut appearance on Rock Solid, it's…

Carl heard Pat and Murray playing Barry Manilow and he just had to come in and say hello. He's the world's biggest Barry Manilow fan. He saw every one of Barry's shows at his residency in Las Vegas. Carl has to go, but he's gonna make sure to stop in every time Rock Solid plays a Barry Manilow song. Make sure to follow Carl on Twitter @CarlFanilow.
Pat was in the bathroom, so he missed seeing Carl. He doesn't miss Murray's next pick, however. Murray plays "I'll Sail This Ship Alone" by The Beautiful South, off their album Welcome to the Beautiful South.
01:15:00 Pat's next pick comes from the 1989 Queen album The Miracle. The song is called "Khashoggi's Ship".
Murray gets real for his next pick. Mad real. This next band writes really good songs and really bad songs. It's Snow Patrol, with their song "Lifeboats", off the album A Hundred Million Suns.
01:20:00 For his next song, Pat dips into the chocolate waterfall, if you know what I mean. He watches a Tyler Perry movie, if you catch my drift. He books a reservation for Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, if you know what I'm laying down………… Black people. He plays a song by Black people. It's "Sail On" by Commodores, off the album Midnight Magic.
Murray gets real again. He's bummed that he never saw Warren Zevon live. Off the album Mutineer, he plays "Mutineer". Warren Zevon, rock in peace. Murray cries whenever he watches the Letterman episode where Zevon was the only guest. Warren also worked out at the same gym as Pat and Jimmy. They didn't bother him, though. By the way, if you think YOU have a drinking problem, check out Warren Zevon's biography. He makes William Holden look like a teetotaler.
01:25:00 Pat makes a werewolf joke. Get it? 'Cause Warren Zevon has that song "Werewolves of London." Uggggggh.
Pat's second to last pick is Rod Stewart. It's "Sailing", off the album Atlantic Crossing. Pat tried to get Rod Stewart on the podcast, but Rod's people said that Rod couldn't make it. They were hoping to make this happen before he left, though. Suuuure.
"Yes, John? It's Rod. Listen, cancel the European tour. I've got a podcast to record."
Murray's second to last pick is by Irish band The Waterboys. From their album Fisherman's Blues, the song is called "Fisherman's Blues". Pat's gonna be in London and Ireland in June.
01:30:00 Pat's last pick comes from a guy who wishes he had Jessie's Girl. Yes, it's Rick Springfield. The song is called "Our Ship's Sinking and it's from his album Songs for the End of the World. Pat is trying VERY HARD to get Rick Springfield on the podcast.
Murray's last pick is "Ride Captain Ride" by Blues Image, off the album Open. Pat's mother gets brought up. At the end of every word, she pronounces an "O" as an "A" and an "A" as an "O". For example, casino becomes casina. Well, to borrow from Pat's mom, this entire episode has been one big beer-fueled fiasca.
01:35:00 Pat plugs the upcoming live episode at the Limestone Comedy Festival. Pat and Murray apologize to me again for having to recap this clusterfuck. Thanks guys. Luke Skywalker had an easier job blowing up the Death Star.
Kyle's computer has died. Why wouldn't it. Pat and Murray are now stalling for time. MacCaulay Culkin gets brought up for some reason. Matt Belknap is seriously missed.
Pat doesn't know if people enjoy this banter. Murray has the right answer: NO! You played four songs in 3 hours, for fuck's sake.
Mercifully, we're done. Kyle plays us out with "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island, off their debut album Incredibad.
Time Song Album Artist Who
00:15:00 Sail Megalithic Symphony Awolnation Murray
00:20:00 Come Sail Away The Grand Illusion Styx Pat
00:20:00 Don't Pay the Ferryman The Getaway Chris de Burgh Murray
00:25:00 Six Months in a Leaky Boat Time and Tide Split Enz Pat
00:30:00 The Captain of Her Heart Blue Double Murray
00:30:00 Paper Ship Letters from a Paper Ship Billy Falcon Pat
00:35:00 Shiver Me Timbers The Heart of Saturday Night Tom Waits Murray
00:35:00 The Boat That I Row Just for You Neil Diamond Pat
00:40:00 The Downeaster 'Alexa' Storm Front Storm Front Murray
00:40:00 Sailin' Away Barry Goudreau Barry Goudreau Pat
00:55:00 Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) Looking Glass Looking Glass Murray
00:55:00 Rock the Boat Freedom for the Stallion Hues Corporation Pat
01:00:00 Sail Away Sail Away Randy Newman Murray
01:00:00 Red Sails Lodger David Bowie Pat
01:05:00 Nautical Disaster Day for Night The Tragically Hip Murray
01:10:00 Ships One Voice Barry Manilow Pat
01:10:00 I'll Sail This Ship Alone Welcome to the Beautiful South The Beautiful South Murray
01:15:00 Khashoggi's Ship The Miracle Queen Pat
01:15:00 Lifeboats A Hundred Million Suns Snow Patrol Murray
01:20:00 Sail On Midnight Magic Commodores Pat
01:20:00 Mutineer Mutineer Warren Zevon Murray
01:25:00 Sailing Atlantic Crossing Rod Stewart Pat
01:25:00 Fisherman's Blues Fisherman's Blues The Waterboys Murray
01:30:00 Our Ship's Sinking Songs for the End of the World Rick Springfield Pat
01:30:00 Ride Captain Ride Open Blues Image Murray
01:40:00 I'm on a Boat Incredibad The Lonely Island Kyle (closing song)